i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
