Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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