i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize