My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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