The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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