it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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