fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
