i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
