just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
