Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
