i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
