Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
