this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
