dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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