there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
