I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize