So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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