So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
