Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
