I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize