We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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