I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
