Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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