Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
