The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
