theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she peed on how many people?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
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whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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