Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize