I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
