dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
