Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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