You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
