She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
