his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
