There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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