ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
