no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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