I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
