True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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