I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
