No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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