My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.