apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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