there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
