OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Welp...herpes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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