The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
