Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
