Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
