guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
