all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's blow job season.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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