I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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