I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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