Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
