boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
