i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
