Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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