yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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