i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you had me at cake vodka
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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